In the beginning the Word already existed. He was with God, and he was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that he didn't make. Life itself was in him, and this life gives light to everyone. The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. (John 1:1-5 NLT)This has long been one of my favorite scripture passages. Yet if anyone had asked me "why" I would not have been able to give a specific reason. Until today. Something happened today that made me realize why this particular passage holds such intense meaning and promise for me.
This morning I was granted the immeasurable privilege of being invited to walk with a young woman journeying through a difficult time in her life, to share her emotional pain and spiritual wrestling. The privilege was granted because I had journeyed a very similar path many years ago. I need to confess right up front that I didn't sleep especially well last night. I tell myself that nightmares, hard memories, and old demons have long been laid to rest. The reality is they lurk just in the shadows waiting for the smallest opening through which to reappear and launch their attacks on my self-esteem and faith. Walking with this young woman was as good as flinging a door wide open and inviting them to sit down and eat me alive. The old saying about fools rushing in where angels fear to tread seemed fitting in the circumstances. Yet I knew that this was something that I felt especially called to do. I, better than most, know how critical it is at times like that to hear someone say "I've been there. It gets better."
I listened this morning, and shared a little. I was the best non-anxious presence I could be. We prayed together. Maybe I even helped a little. I hope and pray so. Yet the biggest miracle of the morning occurred in me after the young woman and I parted ways.
I cried - a little for her, tears of sadness because I know the road she has ahead of her. Then the floodgates opened. Tears for me - an emotional and spiritual downpour of relief. I flung a door wide open and laid myself open to all of those demons, set a spread for them over which a gourmet would have raved. Then I sent them away hungry. As memories and demons were chomping ravenously, I was able to hear my own words to that young woman.
There is light in even the darkest, deepest hole. It SHINES in the darkness and the darkness can NEVER prevail over it. I KNOW this. I lived in that hole. I experienced a dark night of the soul; such complete hopelessness and despair that I would go to bed at night praying that I would not wake up. Then I would wake up every morning railing at God for not answering my prayer.
What I know now, in every fibre of my being is that every night when that prayer reached God's ears, God wept. God wept knowing that I felt such despair. God wept knowing that I felt beyond God's love. And while the Father wept, the Spirit prayed with sighs too deep for words, and the Son kept shining into the darkness of my despair. That truth, resonating in the very core of my being, allowed me to send demons away hungry today. It allowed me to sit and enter into a young woman's pain and proclaim love and light and new life.
I write this tonight because I want others to know that truth. It matters. It changes everything.
Life itself was in him, and this life gives light to everyone. The light shines through the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it. I know. I pray that you do, too.
In Christ -
PK (+)
As your friend and as your pastor who knows your story may I say that I am proud of you. Very proud of you.
ReplyDeleteProud of your faithfulness, proud of your tears, proud of your courage, proud of the truth.